Progress

1 month down y'all.

Thought this would be a good time to touch bases and take a look at what improvement (if any) I've actually made. You know, to see if this blog is actually doing what it's supposed to or if I'm just doing a really good job of wasting time.

So far, I'd say there's been some definite improvement. Now, whether that improvement stems from this blog or from other changes I've made in my life (such as the people I surround myself with) I couldn't say. I believe the blog is playing at least a small part, but at the very least I can say that this blog helped me make a dramatic lane shift on the highway of life and get me started down the good path and that it is now serving as a way to document progress and remind myself what my goal is.

Improvements:

A) It's gotten way easier to motivate myself to exercise and be healthy. In fact I just finished doing a work out by Zevala (www.bodyrock.tv check it out. She will kick your ass). Or I guess I should say "attempted a work out by Zevala" since there's no way I could do the full amount of reps she prescribes. Someday, perhaps, but not today. Regardless, I'm moving my jiggly butt rather than sitting around writing cartoons about it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b248cANtWBo although once again that's probably more due to the kick-ass hard-core awesome new friends I've been hanging out with lately.

I mean, sitting around all day listening to a group of guys who's (secondary) job is to help out of shape people get in shape in time for their fitness test talking about all things fitness and nutrition all day can't help but have an effect. Every day I listen to them talk about that 5 mile run they plan to go on when they get home and I get home and go to sit on the couch immediately just like usual and then suddenly feel so pathetic and guilty and I have to do SOMETHING active. And every day I listen to them tear apart whatever I bring to eat and lecture me on how bad all that coffee is for me and I can't help but start wanting to eat fruit for breakfast instead of cereal and homemade meals with less fat and all natural ingredients for dinner instead of running down to the hamburger joint.

B) I am gaining better companions. After what ended up being a total fiasco of a night out, I have lost all interest in hanging around the people who I've been spending all my time with lately simply because we went through training at the same time. I've come to the realization that I was only considering them friends because it was an easy choice (we were together ALL the time) and I'm a lazy bitch. I also came to the realization that there is actually very little that I like about them and that spending time with them fills me with negative energies. I always end up judging them for their behavior and then judging myself for being judgmental. Not a good way to be. So, I've started making a conscious effort to break out of my safety bubble and reach out towards new companions. I'm also making a conscious effort to make sure those new companions are upbeat motivated individuals that will help create a positive motivated environment around me.  So far it seems to be working ^.^

C) Overall I think I'm a much more positive person. Certainly not perfect by a long shot. I still snap at Matt on occasion. I still overreact over little shit once in a while. I'm still stressed out and I still bitch about work. But I haven't had any more "walking zombie" days.  I'm not scared to drive around by myself anymore. I feel motivated to do extra things like working out instead of just flopping on the couch in a lifeless blog without the energy necessary even to get up and get a glass of water. Even though I snap at Matt I've gotten way better about apolagizing afterwards and admitting I was wrong (the rare times I AM wrong). I look forward to coming home instead of just coming home cause there's nothing else I feel motivated to do. I feel motivated to get things done at work and even take on extra duties. And I'm just overall a much nicer person who doesn't let things get to her as much.

If you could have a super power, what would it be?

The power to use my brain like a computer. Organize, delete, and turn off at will.

Ask me anything

If you were offered the job of U.S. president would you take the job?

Not a chance. It's definitely the worst job in the world. You're in charge of trying to organize and care for millions of people. It's an impossible task and the whole time people are just looking for excuses to hate you.

Ask me anything

Re-connections.

So I got home at 3 am this morning...waaaaay too late for blogging. But some important stuff happened so I'll tell you about it now.

Short rant session: I went out to check out this sweet club a friend at work had been telling me about: a comfortable atmosphere, he said, where a person can just relax and listen to good 80's and new-wave music and dance to your heart's content without all that normal party-night club pressure.  Sounded pretty sweet, but I made the mistake of extending the invitation to a few of my other cool friends who in turn extended it to some of my not-so cool friends. So the modus-operandi of the night ended up being me as the DD to a large group of people who wanted nothing to do with relaxed comfortable grooving, ditching my friend and getting dragged around town from club to club where I then got to experience the intense joy of chilling at a table in the back of the room, bored out of my mind and bitter over the change in what originally had been MY night
out, and watch the group I was with get totally sloshed and then prance around in high-heels and clothes that barely fit the definition and squealing in drunken pleasure whenever some drunk loser on the street whistled at them. Lesson learned: I am not in any way, nor do I have any desire to be, a party girl.

Not my idea of fun. But none of that is really important and certainly not what I wanted to bother you with.

What's important is what came before all of that. Earlier yesterday afternoon I went over to a long-lost friend's house to borrow some going-out clothes. I ended up hanging out and talking for a good hour or two. Now, the reason I call her a long-lost friend  is because although she is an amazing person that I admire very much and consider to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for, I usually avoid spending time with her like my life depends on it. You see, she's so wonderful and admirable that she makes me feel like a shitty waste of humanity standing next to her. And although I should be a big enough person to focus on using her awesomeness to inspire myself to live a better life...I'm not.  Instead I end up feeling bitter and jealous and self-hating and pathetic.  So I avoid her to avoid feeling these feelings.

Well last night I kinda forgot about all those things and called her up on kind of a whim just because we wear the same size shoe (very rare to find friends with feet as gigando as mine) and I thought maybe she'd have some cute shoes I could wear (see what I mean about being a waste of human space? I can't even reconnect with a friend without having a selfish motivation). So I went over to her place and she showed me her new apartment (not even furnished and still way cuter and cozier than mine...and for half the cost to boot!) and her clothes (half as much stuff as me and all bought at Goodwill or Plato's Closet and I would totally trade her in an instant) and I immediately started remembering why we don't hang out and was itching to get out of there. And then...I don't really know what happened but all of a sudden we were just lounging together on her mattress and talking about...well...the only things of importance: life love relationships and how to get through it all with your sanity intact.

I told her about how I'd been a genius as a child and had traded it in for the ability to talk to people my own age without scaring them away so now I have an extensive social network (though I still don't understand or relate to the human race in the slightest) but I can no longer do a math problem to save my life. I told her about how terrified I was to be in my first real relationship ever (being secretly in love with a guy from afar for 6 years and then ending it with a 2 week long relationship-ish...thing really doesn't count) and even more so since getting married has made it so that my first relationship is destined to be my last. I told her about how when I was a little girl, after my Dad had gotten me back from my Mother, he took me to a the best psychologist in a tri-state area who, after talking to me for 2 weeks, told him that whatever was making me such a crazy and troubled child, I had already locked away in my subconscious somewhere and there was nothing that could be done until the day finally came that I let it out and was prepared to deal with it.  I told her about how I'm afraid that it's coming out now and really screwing with my life, especially with my love life, and how I'm afraid I'm not ready to deal with it, or at the very least I definitely don't know how.

She told me about her own troubled past and I started seeing her very differently, I saw that we were far more alike than I thought. Only she had been dealing with her fears and troubles and inadequacies for years and was just far closer than I to the goal we both share: becoming a focused functional human being who has her own issues enough under wraps that she can in turn open her heart to those around her.

It was a really good talk that I'm very thankful for. I feel a little less ashamed about my position in life right now and I've gotten a little closer to someone I always knew I should be close to. Also, I feel like I can see a little more clearly the path I need to take to find my way to the person I'm meant to be, to a place inside of me filled with calm healing energy; a path that will guide me through the process of letting go of all this crap that is filling up my mind and my heart and my soul and weighing me down and keeping me from being the person I know I should be.

In addition to a good healing conversation she also gave me a book to read (check out the link to the left. So far it's a great read that I highly recommend), the number of a good hypno-therapist, and the knowledge of at least one place in this new town I've been displaced to where I can feel safe and comfortable and healed. I have found myself a healthy place and a healthy face.  Thank the gods.

LittleSpastic Out.

Speak No Evil

Least creative title so far FTW.

In recent days I have found myself sinking exponentially further each day into a dampening depression. Today it finally got to a point that it was noticeable to my co-workers. My overseer commented that it appeared that half my soul had been sucked out.

I don't really know the cause, nor the solution. So looks like I'm just gonna have to be a human raincloud for awhile.

Kind of a bummer for my writing. This blog is all about self-improvement, motivating myself to do the things I know I should. But lately it's been hard enough just to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning or put on clothes, so anything more motivated and hard-core than that is a bit of a foolhardy dream.

So for now my self-improvement will consist of:
- Continuing to write every day, even if it's just to say "Fuck My Life. The End."
- Not finding excuses to avoid coming home and seeing my husband.
- Facing my life head on and accepting it instead of wishing it was something else.
- Not telling people about my problems and making the issue more tangled than it has to be.
- Attempting to forgive people without having to tell them all the reasons I'm upset with them.

Wish me luck!

LittleSpastic Out.

At Odds With One's Nature

Although I have always been and will always be a cat person, I have come to the conclusion that it is illogical at this current time for me to have cats. It has recently come to my attention that the effect my cats are having on my personality and my world in general is, rather to my dismay, a negative one.

Therefore, from this day forth I will be catless cat-person. A sad day indeed, but I believe I will be the better for it in the end. I hope I'm not mistaken...

LittleSpastic Out.

Motivation

It is an interesting fact of my character that there is only thing that can motivate me to do that which I know I should and, in fact, desire to do. That one and only thing is "necessity".

I like a clean home...or in my case a clean apartment. I even enjoy the act of cleaning or organizing...once I get down to it. But it's very difficult for me to give myself the little spur of motivation necessary to get myself into a cleaning mode. Today my motivation was the arrival of a new member of the family: a golden retriever/boxer mix in need of a home. I was excited to have her...but first It was definitely very necessary that I clean up a little. Can't have a puppy that big and rambunctious running around with shoes and the like all over the floor.

So I cleaned. I got pretty into it, too. I didn't just move stuff around. I put things back where they belong, found better ways to organize things, moved furniture, even dusted! My apartment looks so much better and I feel so much better in it. I just wish I could motivate myself this much every day...

Oh well...Rome wasn't made in a day.

Further improvement sure to come.

LittleSpastic Out.

I'd rather not say...

I don't want this blog to end up being a place where I go to vent about all the things that are bothering me. I do, however, want this blog to be honest. So while I'd like to be upbeat and positive all the time, I feel obligated to also share with you all the bad things that happen in my life for the sake of honesty. However, I want to do this in a way that is constructive and documentative, not rant~y.

This, in essence is why I haven't written in awhile. I wanted to wait until I could talk about this bad thing that has happened in a way that was at least mildly objective. I wanted to make sure I could write this without being unnecessarily cruel or bashing.

Here's what happened:

Last week, I came home from work to find that my husband had been rather a good boy. He had done dishes, straightened up the house a bit, and let my cats out. We keep the cats in a bathroom when we aren't home because they are still in their teenage rebellious destruction phase and I often ask him to let them out when I'm not home and he is so that they'll get the optimum amount of time out and about but he usually doesn't because he doesn't like them and doesn't want to deal with them, but that day he had!

Anyway, I was happy he'd been a nice boy that day and I went to go take a shower in a nice skippy mood. While I was in there, however, I suddenly heard the rather unsettling sound of a cat screaming. I went running out of the shower dripping wet without hesitation and ran into the living room to find my husband just coming out of the cats' bathroom. I confronted him in a very upset manner asking him what had happened to my cat. He told me it had been misbehaving so he had disciplined it but the cat was fine and I shouldn't worry.

So, trusting him, I went back and finished up my shower. A little later when I was finished with that, I went to check on my cats and found that my female cat was trapped in the tub and couldn't get out. Turned out my husband's "disciplining" involved hurling my cat across the bathroom into the wall of the shower. This had, it turned out, actually hurt my cat in a way that had made her leg completely unusable.

Now, cats for me are like cows for the Hindus. You DON'T FUCK WITH THEM. I was so upset I couldn't even speak enough to explain to him how upset I was.  I honestly would have been less upset if he'd been beating ME. I was just curled on the floor sobbing watching her drag her leg behind her and trying to think of how I was gonna find the money to pay for the vet to fix her if it turned out her leg was broken or torn.

It turned out that she's at least mostly okay. She didn't mind having her leg touched and moved around which kinda gave the idea that it wasn't hurt too terribly bad. Then, today she's started walking on it a little bit....limping really but still.

But the main thing that made this event so bad is the fact that I was sooooo mad I wasn't sure I would be able to recover. I had to go shut myself in my room and listen to some music and try to forget about it to keep myself from either saying something I knew I'd regret later or else going to visit my guy friend Eric...who coincidentally wants to fuck me...badly.

So, anyway, I had a lot of anger and was working really hard to keep it all shut inside so that's why I haven't been on here and....yeah...that's all I've got.

LittleSpastic Out.

New look....new outlook?

Brace yourselves for this ladies and gents. I, your humble writer, LittleSpastic, have become, for the first time (since age 5 anyway)...are you ready for this? I don't think you're ready for this... 

...

...Are you sure you're ready for this? Ok, then.

*Ahem* DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!!!

doomadoomadoomadoomadoomadoomadoomadoomadoomadoomadoomadooma

A BRUNETTE!!!!!

I know right??? It's SOOO weird. I've been [varying shades of] blonde my whole life! And for the past few months I've been not only blonde. I've been BLONDE!!! Like, almost white! And now my hair isn't just brunette. It's more like an incredibly dark shade of red to the point of seeming black at times. 

So, to summarize: Every morning I wake up and walk into the bathroom in a half-sleeping daze, flip on the light, and glance out of the corner of my eye at the mirror expecting to see my usual white blonde hair...but I don't...I see a deep red-black instead. This event is then usually followed by me coming very much awake and jumping near out of my skin while flipping around to confront the red-headed stranger that must be standing behind me.

Now, throughout my life I've heard many people (not the least of which being my father) ranting about how a change of hair color, a haircut, a new wardrobe, or a tan does not make for a new person. That these are just shortcuts people try to take to cause a magical change on their life without having to put in any actual effort towards change. Well, I would agree with that...to a point. Blondes who dye their hair brown and expect to suddenly be smart and be taken seriously, whores who buy turtlenecks and long skirts and think that changes their bad reputation, rejected nerd-girls who put on thick eyeliner and lipstick and think it'll make the popular crowd suddenly accept them: these people are morons looking for a quick fix.  

HOWEVER, these "quick fixes" can help push change along. When a jungle warrior puts on the mask of a jaguar before a great battle, he does not actually believe that the mask will turn him into a jaguar. He wears the mask of the jaguar because when he sees his reflection in a pool of water he will see a jaguar and when he sees a jaguar he will think of the jaguar and when he thinks of the jaguar he will feel the jaguar's presence beside him and when he feels the jaguar's presence he will fight with the ferocity of the jaguar and he will fight harder than he would without the jaguar mask and he will win where he would not have without the jaguar mask.

When I see my reflection in the mirror I see something shocking and new. I see something that commands attention. I see something that reminds me that I am in a battle, reminds me what it is I am fighting for.  I see a red headed warrior-ess looking at me with furious eyes that say: 

"Look at me. I am no quitter. I am not a woman who bows down to laziness and feelings of inadequacy. When someone tells me I am not good enough I stand up and spit on their face and tell them I am more than they will ever be able to handle. When I feel fatigue dragging at my bones I push twice as hard as I did before. And where people would look at the you-that-was-before and laugh and pity, they will look at me with awe and fear. I am a warrior and all the world will hear my roar. You now carry my face upon your own, you carry my presence within you. I DEMAND that you act accordingly. I DEMAND that you live your life to be worthy of my face. Now, I demand that you stand up and FIGHT." 

So, while some will say that this change of coloration is just one more indication of my laziness and unwillingness to do what REALLY matters and what really affects change, I will say that one drastic action makes the next one easier to grasp, and that my current new look feels so drastic I feel near drunk with the adrenaline high and I wonder where this amazing feeling will lead me.

LitleSpastic Out.

Sore Feet

Sooooo tiiiired!

Yesterday I ran/walked the "Relay for Life".  It was a bit on the lame side.  It was only 12 hours instead of the expected 24 and there was a lot of bad organization. I'm really glad I did it, though. I love doing things for a good cause. I've been wanting to volunteer at an animal shelter for ages but can never seem to get myself motivated enough, especially after a long day at work followed by a workout.  This was really nice because it allowed me to multi-task. I was getting a good work out, spending time with friends, getting to know my new co-workers, and, of course, helping a good cause.

It was awesome! Normally it's sooo hard to motivate myself to exercise, no matter how badly I want to look better in my bikini ^.^ So something like this event was amazing because there was so much energy it really made me want to get up and do something active; plus any time I started getting tired and want to sit down, I'd see some cancer survivor or group of little kids or old ladies trucking around the track still full of energy and I'd get a whole new burst of motivation and drive and end up doing sprints all around the track.  I probably did a good 3-5 miles without even noticing.  I was sore this morning though...

Probably didn't help that I was sprinting in flip-flops...

Or that I'd been up for 24 hours by the time it was over and hadn't been getting much sleep for a couple nights before that cause I was busy making team t-shirts for the event...

Oh my gosh I feel so motivated!!!  Now I just need to hold onto this feeling and make it keep me going for another week or so.

LittleSpastic Out.

Weight Loss

This afternoon, in a fit of self-hate I looked in the mirror to find that I was a fat disgusting slob and took myself down to my local GNC to get myself some magic diet pills to get rid of all these fat rolls I'm too fecking lazy to...I don't know...EXCERCISE away!

Well, while I was standing in that store staring grim-faced at the many shelves of "miracle fat-away pills" I came to the realization of how ridiculous it was for ME to be shopping for diet pills. I mean, I'm no swimsuit model, but I'm certainly not fat, either. I mean, I only weigh 125 pounds for goodness sake!

Now, some of you ladies may hear that number and be shrieking to yourselves: "Good god! The girl's anorexic!  How could she possibly be so skinny and still think there's even the slightest possibility of her being out of shape!" Well, to put it into perspective for you: I'm only 5' 2" tall. So 125 is actually VERY healthy for me. At 115 I had a bit of a belly. 10 pounds later, that "bit of belly" has grown a bit and migrated all over my ass and thighs...ESPECIALLY my ass. I now sport a ghetto booty that would make a rap star's girlfriend weep.

*Sigh* However, none of that is an excuse for me to resign to drugs to solve my problem.

I DID buy some weight loss supplements...but not the "miracle weight loss while sitting on your ass" kind. I got the kind that "amplifies the amount of fat burned while exercising and helps increase your body's natural output of energy to help make exercising easier" kind. They come in this really pretty cheerful pink bottle that I'm hoping will make me so exited to use them it will motivate me to exercise.


I also asked my husband to please do me the huge favor of being my personal trainer by every day ordering (not requesting) me to do something active.

Wish me luck!

LittleSpastic Out.

Rule Breaker...

Dang it...

So I've already broken my number one rule for this blog: Write every day, no matter what. In light of this occurrence, I've made a decision regarding the nature of this blog. This will not be a simple documentation of one girl's daily life.

Rather, this will be the documentation of one agonizingly spastic and awkward little girl's long journey to self improvement.

*sigh*...This will be painful...

LittleSpastic Out.