Re-connections.

So I got home at 3 am this morning...waaaaay too late for blogging. But some important stuff happened so I'll tell you about it now.

Short rant session: I went out to check out this sweet club a friend at work had been telling me about: a comfortable atmosphere, he said, where a person can just relax and listen to good 80's and new-wave music and dance to your heart's content without all that normal party-night club pressure.  Sounded pretty sweet, but I made the mistake of extending the invitation to a few of my other cool friends who in turn extended it to some of my not-so cool friends. So the modus-operandi of the night ended up being me as the DD to a large group of people who wanted nothing to do with relaxed comfortable grooving, ditching my friend and getting dragged around town from club to club where I then got to experience the intense joy of chilling at a table in the back of the room, bored out of my mind and bitter over the change in what originally had been MY night
out, and watch the group I was with get totally sloshed and then prance around in high-heels and clothes that barely fit the definition and squealing in drunken pleasure whenever some drunk loser on the street whistled at them. Lesson learned: I am not in any way, nor do I have any desire to be, a party girl.

Not my idea of fun. But none of that is really important and certainly not what I wanted to bother you with.

What's important is what came before all of that. Earlier yesterday afternoon I went over to a long-lost friend's house to borrow some going-out clothes. I ended up hanging out and talking for a good hour or two. Now, the reason I call her a long-lost friend  is because although she is an amazing person that I admire very much and consider to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for, I usually avoid spending time with her like my life depends on it. You see, she's so wonderful and admirable that she makes me feel like a shitty waste of humanity standing next to her. And although I should be a big enough person to focus on using her awesomeness to inspire myself to live a better life...I'm not.  Instead I end up feeling bitter and jealous and self-hating and pathetic.  So I avoid her to avoid feeling these feelings.

Well last night I kinda forgot about all those things and called her up on kind of a whim just because we wear the same size shoe (very rare to find friends with feet as gigando as mine) and I thought maybe she'd have some cute shoes I could wear (see what I mean about being a waste of human space? I can't even reconnect with a friend without having a selfish motivation). So I went over to her place and she showed me her new apartment (not even furnished and still way cuter and cozier than mine...and for half the cost to boot!) and her clothes (half as much stuff as me and all bought at Goodwill or Plato's Closet and I would totally trade her in an instant) and I immediately started remembering why we don't hang out and was itching to get out of there. And then...I don't really know what happened but all of a sudden we were just lounging together on her mattress and talking about...well...the only things of importance: life love relationships and how to get through it all with your sanity intact.

I told her about how I'd been a genius as a child and had traded it in for the ability to talk to people my own age without scaring them away so now I have an extensive social network (though I still don't understand or relate to the human race in the slightest) but I can no longer do a math problem to save my life. I told her about how terrified I was to be in my first real relationship ever (being secretly in love with a guy from afar for 6 years and then ending it with a 2 week long relationship-ish...thing really doesn't count) and even more so since getting married has made it so that my first relationship is destined to be my last. I told her about how when I was a little girl, after my Dad had gotten me back from my Mother, he took me to a the best psychologist in a tri-state area who, after talking to me for 2 weeks, told him that whatever was making me such a crazy and troubled child, I had already locked away in my subconscious somewhere and there was nothing that could be done until the day finally came that I let it out and was prepared to deal with it.  I told her about how I'm afraid that it's coming out now and really screwing with my life, especially with my love life, and how I'm afraid I'm not ready to deal with it, or at the very least I definitely don't know how.

She told me about her own troubled past and I started seeing her very differently, I saw that we were far more alike than I thought. Only she had been dealing with her fears and troubles and inadequacies for years and was just far closer than I to the goal we both share: becoming a focused functional human being who has her own issues enough under wraps that she can in turn open her heart to those around her.

It was a really good talk that I'm very thankful for. I feel a little less ashamed about my position in life right now and I've gotten a little closer to someone I always knew I should be close to. Also, I feel like I can see a little more clearly the path I need to take to find my way to the person I'm meant to be, to a place inside of me filled with calm healing energy; a path that will guide me through the process of letting go of all this crap that is filling up my mind and my heart and my soul and weighing me down and keeping me from being the person I know I should be.

In addition to a good healing conversation she also gave me a book to read (check out the link to the left. So far it's a great read that I highly recommend), the number of a good hypno-therapist, and the knowledge of at least one place in this new town I've been displaced to where I can feel safe and comfortable and healed. I have found myself a healthy place and a healthy face.  Thank the gods.

LittleSpastic Out.